Sing

              This photo is of me descending into The Tunnels of Cu Chi located near Saigon, Vietnam. 

The tunnels are an immense network of connecting underground tunnels. The Cu Chi tunnels were the location of several military campaigns during the Vietnam War, and were the Viet Cong's base of operations for the Tet Offensive in 1968.

The tunnels were used by Viet Cong guerrillas as hiding spots during combat, as well as serving as communication and supply routes, hospitals, food and weapon cashes and living quarters for numerous guerrilla fighters. The tunnel systems were of great importance to the Viet Cong in their resistance to American forces, and helped achieve ultimate military success.                                                                                                                                     


                                                                 From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


You may be wondering why I used this photo in today's blog (especially since a significant percent of the composition of the photo is my boo-tay).


This is why - 


Most of the people (all but 3 of us) that were on our tour did not want to crawl the length of this tunnel. It was pitch dark, the crawl space became very narrow and it was a long journey. If I had a big ole belly I would have had to back out - it got that narrow. 


For some weird reason, I loved being down there and could have crawled around for hours. Even though people died in those tunnels, I found it welcoming.  It was cool and moist and smelled like the earth. I wanted to curl up in a little ball and take a nap down there.


The reason I'm inspired by this photo today is that I feel like I have ascended from a dark tunnel that I've been in for a couple of years. I've had a significant breakthrough in determining what I want to do for the rest of my physical life on this planet....... well, at least for the next 5 years.


I've figured out why my old belief structures aren't working for me any more. 


I have been living my life as if I'm 40 years old - still have kids I'm responsible for (we have 5 kids), have a job I should go to, running around like a nut from this place to that place. The fact is, our youngest son, Alex, and our youngest daughter, Emily, are 28 years old. All of our children are capable human beings and don't need their "mommy" any more. I retired from a full time job 7 years ago and yet I am still heading to work every morning as if my life depends on it. 


I'm the consummate caretaker, mommy, good daughter (both of my parent are dead; my Mom died several years ago after 5 years of struggling with Alzheimer's Disease) nurse lady. 


I need a different vantage point to look out from.


I even know what that vantage point is. Visually it is a mountain top and the sun is up and the sky is blue and the air is fresh and my mantra is "Peace" or "Easy" or "You are here" or even "Fuck the trap of validation" or "Fuck not feeling smart enough or perfect enough" or "Fuck wanting to be nice". Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run With the Wolves writes, "Being good, being sweet, being nice will not cause life to sing."  That doesn't mean one does not smile at the grocery store lady, it means sing at her and she'll even sing along.


How does life work? We all run around like crazy people doing stuff to make us happy. But......we all have a basic truth. At the center of our being is GOODNESS. That is what happiness is all about. All the emotions and hangups are just that - emotions. They are almost dream like and some of them are false beliefs and unnecessary garbage clogging up our energy and our vision so that we can't see the goodness inside ourselves. 


I've had this wonderful shift of consciousness - I want to dig naked in the mud and get that stuff caked all over, get it stuck in my hair and in my cracks and between my toes. I want to write some great stories and I'd like to get one, just one, published and take more yoga coursework and maybe some other kind of coursework. I want to be around positive people that are growing and loving each other. I really want to develop some kind of special sort of "all-inclusvie" program of beauty, health, anit-aging, love for women my age. I want them to love life the way I love life.


 I want a hobby. I've never had a damn hobby.